i don't write about real things. i express, complain, cry, and explain -- but i don't really reveal much.
well, here's one: i hate food. they say, "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer," yeah? i guess that's the truth of binge eating. while i do despise food for intangible reasons like shame and fear, i also hate it quite literally. it's difficult to find a food that appeals to me. i guess i've reprogrammed my sense of taste to only respond to foods that set off fireworks in my brain. the ultimate dish to reflect this is cincinnati chili.
i probably consumed 40-50 pounds of spaghetti (not counting the actual chili and cheese) in 2010, easily.
i've always doubted it, but maybe people can change. i ate it tonight, being careful to cook only a moderate portion (still overeating, but hey -- baby steps). it was easy to limit how much i made to begin with, but it didn't take long for me to want to cook more. in fact, i had only taken 3 or 4 bites of my heaping bowl when i wanted to cook the rest of the pasta and remaining 1.5 cans of chili.
that feeling is really strange. how can i want more before i've even eaten what i have? i guess it has something to do with those chemical explosions. i don't want it to end, though it's only just begun, and i'm so focused on that prolonged high that i don't even really enjoy what's at hand.
of course, this applies to other aspects of my life. relationships and sex are probably the most common victims.
like i said, maybe things are changing. i didn't cook or eat more. i did have to talk myself down, which is kind of embarrassing even though i was alone.
maybe my true feelings are starting to emerge, or maybe i can just recognize them more easily. either way, i didn't have more because i simply didn't want it. is that what they call full? is that satiation? or is it just self-control?
don't get me wrong, i'm still miserable.
it's important to document small victories, nonetheless.
well, here's one: i hate food. they say, "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer," yeah? i guess that's the truth of binge eating. while i do despise food for intangible reasons like shame and fear, i also hate it quite literally. it's difficult to find a food that appeals to me. i guess i've reprogrammed my sense of taste to only respond to foods that set off fireworks in my brain. the ultimate dish to reflect this is cincinnati chili.
i probably consumed 40-50 pounds of spaghetti (not counting the actual chili and cheese) in 2010, easily.
i've always doubted it, but maybe people can change. i ate it tonight, being careful to cook only a moderate portion (still overeating, but hey -- baby steps). it was easy to limit how much i made to begin with, but it didn't take long for me to want to cook more. in fact, i had only taken 3 or 4 bites of my heaping bowl when i wanted to cook the rest of the pasta and remaining 1.5 cans of chili.
that feeling is really strange. how can i want more before i've even eaten what i have? i guess it has something to do with those chemical explosions. i don't want it to end, though it's only just begun, and i'm so focused on that prolonged high that i don't even really enjoy what's at hand.
of course, this applies to other aspects of my life. relationships and sex are probably the most common victims.
like i said, maybe things are changing. i didn't cook or eat more. i did have to talk myself down, which is kind of embarrassing even though i was alone.
maybe my true feelings are starting to emerge, or maybe i can just recognize them more easily. either way, i didn't have more because i simply didn't want it. is that what they call full? is that satiation? or is it just self-control?
don't get me wrong, i'm still miserable.
it's important to document small victories, nonetheless.
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