read out loud

i am not only distant and graphic in my search for sex-substitutes; i enjoy intimacy, i am sensitive. after some time of watching internet porn (always wanting to see him cum), i grow bored and need better stimulation. erotic literature is a secret treasure i reserve for these times. anais nin's writings are especially evocative; she is able to make us see love without and within love. and it makes me want, want, want.

excerpt of "marianne" in delta of venus by anais nin:

once, when she was expecting him, she tried leaving the door ajar while she was dressing, but he looked away and took up a book.

he was impossible to arouse except by gazing on him. and marianne by now was in a frenzy of desire for him. the drawing was coming to an end. she knew every part of his body, the color of his skin, so golden and light, every shape of his muscles and, above all, the constantly erect sex, smooth, polished, firm, tempting.

she would approach him to arrange a piece of white cardboard near him that would cast a whiter reflection or more shadows on his body. then finally she lost control of herself and fell on her knees before the erect sex. she did not touch it, but merely looked and murmured, "how beautiful it is!"

at this he was visibly affected. his whole sex became more rigid with pleasure. she kneeled very near it -- it was almost within reach of her mouth -- but again only said, "how beautiful it is!"

since he did not move, she came closer, her lips parted slightly, and delicately, very delicately, she touched the tip of his sex with her tongue. he did not move away. he was still watching her face and the way her tongue flicked out caressingly to touch the tip of his sex.

she licked it gently, with the delicacy of a cat, then she inserted a small portion of it in her mouth and closed her lips around it. it was quivering. 

she restrained herself from doing more, for fear of encountering resistance. and when she stopped, he did not encourage her to continue. he seemed content. marianne felt that that was all she should ask of him. she sprang to her feet and returned to her work. inwardly she was in a turmoil. violent images passed before her eyes. she was remembering penny movies she had seen once in paris, of figures rolling on the grass, hands fumbling, white pants being opened by eager hands, caresses, caresses, and pleasure making the bodies curl and undulate, pleasure running over their skins like water, causing them to undulate as the wave of pleasure caught their bellies or hips, or as it ran up their spine or down their legs. 

but she controlled herself with the intuitive knowledge a woman has about the tastes of a man she desires. he remained entranced, his sex erect, his body at times shivering slightly, as if pleasure coursed through it at the memory of her mouth parting to touch the smooth penis.

the day after this episode, marianne repeated her worshipful pose, her ecstasy at the beauty of his sex. again she kneeled and prayed to this strange phallus which demanded admiration. again she licked it so neatly and vibrantly, sending shivers of pleasure up from the sex to his body, again she kissed it, enclosing it in her lips like some marvelous fruit, and again he trembled. then, to her amazement, a tiny drop of milky-white, salty substance dissolved in her mouth, the precursor of desire, and she increased the pressure and movements of her tongue. 

when she saw that he was dissolved with pleasure, she stopped, divining that perhaps if she deprived him now he might make a gesture towards fulfillment. at first he made no motion. his sex was quivering, and he was tormented with desire, then suddenly she was amazed to see his hand moving toward his sex as if he were going to satisfy himself. 

marianne grew desperate. she pushed his hand away, took his sex into her mouth again, and with her two hands she encircled his sexual parts, caressed and absorbed him until he came. 

he leaned over with gratitude, tenderness, and murmured, "you are the first woman, the first woman, the first woman..."

anais nin and henry miller