write it out

i have a terrible time making decisions. once, a therapist told me to write a pros/cons list, and i basically told her to fuck off. lists can't help me because i can make equally convincing arguments for and against each option. paralysis is the only consistent outcome.


i'm lost right now in one of those confusions. on paper, it makes perfect sense. my heart's desires are not so clear. 


the strong Woman inside me believes being in self-exile will show me true freedom. the panicky child can only see isolation and heartbreak. another therapist constantly urged me to re-parent myself. maybe this Woman can console the child and make it work. then again, being a single mother always means struggle.


if i choose pseudo-asceticism, i have to remember that choice every minute of every day. i can't let myself be discouraged by passing loneliness or worry. i must take care of myself.


it's a big jump. really big. i've "wanted" this since my schooldays, right?


the problem is that i'm not really given much time to consider it. it's like freefalling and pulling the ripcord at just the right time. if i'm too hasty or too hesitant, i might not make it. 


paradoxically, the thing that tugs at me to stay is the same thing that motivates me to go. i've become very close to these people, whether they know it or not. have i been putting down roots only to rip them out now? or perhaps i poisoned the tree a long time ago. my absence can give them their normal lives back.


am i martyring myself? it seems that way. i feel like walking away from this intimate, if unrequited, support system i love is the only honorable thing i can do. falling on the sword can bring honor back to them. 


or maybe it isn't for their benefit. maybe i'm martyring myself for myself. i have to sacrifice the external me for the internal. i have to find her.