we'd come home from work exhausted, and take a sleepy shower together. after kissing, washing, and drying each other, we'll collapse into bed. the fresh linens are cool and crisp against our still hot skin, and it feels like we are living in luxury. the love we make is slow and sweet, and we finish together. we fall asleep still connected. we are content.
27 May 2011
23 May 2011
21 May 2011
19 May 2011
i fought tooth and nail for fame and fortune.
i told my new therapist, suggested to me by a co-worker whose daughter sounds slightly more bonkers than me, that all i want is to be a normal person. that is my number one goal.
what does that mean?
vacuum/dust
grocery shop
laundry
car wash
dog wash
me wash
organize
cook
freeze
scrub tub and toilet
pay bills
sleep properly
these are not lofty goals. it's shameful to even call them goals. these things should be givens for a 31 year old woman. but it's true -- i cannot or will not do these basic life-sustaining tasks.
right now, the thing i am able to do most effectively is lie on my side and stare, paralyzed by thoughts.
i am tired.
what does that mean?
vacuum/dust
grocery shop
laundry
car wash
dog wash
me wash
organize
cook
freeze
scrub tub and toilet
pay bills
sleep properly
these are not lofty goals. it's shameful to even call them goals. these things should be givens for a 31 year old woman. but it's true -- i cannot or will not do these basic life-sustaining tasks.
right now, the thing i am able to do most effectively is lie on my side and stare, paralyzed by thoughts.
i am tired.
18 May 2011
17 May 2011
15 May 2011
warnings
i've been training luna since march to be obedient off-leash. the key is to keep her inside an invisible boundary, say, a 50ft radius. i'm really proud of the discipline she's shown in the last two months, but it's all over now. i can't say it was all for nothing, though.
a few nights ago, we went to the field for the first time this season. this is a huge open space where she can run in circles, close to the ground. i stopped in the middle to look at a dandelion about to seed. i wanted to make a wish, but instead i just asked for knowledge. please, tell me what is going on. what should i do? talking to a weed is a distraction, to say the least, so i didn't realize luna had wandered away to the house on the corner. the woman there was outside with her dogs, only one on a leash. luna can't keep herself away from other dogs, friendly ones or not. after lots of barking, inaction on my part, and the woman screaming, "get your fuckin' dog, bitch!" i grabbed her and drug her away. we sat on the curb and i explained that this is the last time she'll be off-leash, ever.
i carried her 40+ lbs back to the house, surprised and disappointed.
then i thought about things. she didn't approach those dogs to break a boundary or be disobedient; it is simply her nature. when she sees another dog, any small bit of reasoning she's capable of is gone. given the opportunity, she will always be with dogs. i can't be angry at that.
it was unpleasant and maybe even scary, but i'm glad i was reminded of her limitations in this way. it could have been a bloody mess, something irreparable. maybe a short leash isn't punishment, it's just necessary.
12 May 2011
more than here
i am happy. things are not perfect, but i am comforted by what i know is true. it's a good place to start.
acceptance
some things just are. don't bother trying to change them -- embrace them and be thankful.
07 May 2011
1:11
two armsfull of dirty socks
you miss one
you miss a lot
if i stoop to pick one up
i'd lose something off the top
two armsfull of dirty socks
did you ever try to control your thoughts?
but what you got
wasn't what you thought you had bought
everything does change
i could never dream anything
so strange
two armsfull of dirty socks
you miss one
you miss a lot
it's so hard to read
and be on the same page
as everybody
any bodies?
are welcome
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